Nil Desperandum

i'm inspired. today i received my new eminem album in the mail. why does he inspire me? because he's real. he raps about the real things that have happened to him, the struggles that have made him stronger, and love lost, and love found. i can relate to a lot of the things he says. i love his, fuck you, you're a piece of shit attitude. because like i've said before, i'm the only person that will ever always be there for me. staying true to myself and never despairing are my two rules in life. i believe strongly in both concepts. and i believe that eminem does too. but no one would ever really understand, because there are some things i will never talk about, and thats why music is my best friend.

when i'm inspired, i think.
when i think, i don't speak.
i sit, and i stare. and i disreguard anything that is going on around me.
complete solitude, with my music, and my thoughts.

i'm doing well with eating cleanly, maybe not enough, but i'm trying.
i'm joining the gym and trying to get my life on track.
cheats are hard, but sometimes, its hard to discipline yourself. you need someone to say NO. or at least i do ... i really do. but i've been doing my best. don't worry that you cheated. don't punish yourself. just don't let it happen again for a while. life is too much of a struggle to be mad at yourself. stay to true to who you are, what you are, and what you decide. it may not always be the best decision, but its the one that made you happy in the moment.

i picked put classes for the fall semester. i am not too happy with not knowing what credits are transferring yet, but i know that i will accomplish everything i dream of. and i will be on top of the world someday, because i have it in me, and it's dying to be unleashed.

whats really bothering me today, being alone. because i believe that i have truly loved another, and had them love me in return, and the best part is, it was love, without any sexual ties. even though i of course would like that, it didn't need to be there for him to love me. and now, we;re very far apart, and not communicating. one of the people that knows everything about me, and understands it all, not being with me. and i found a picture of us in a bag from school the other day. and my computer case that he wrote his name with hearts on. so many signs i should have realized sooner. but i have no qualms. i know that someday, what's meant to be will always find its way. and i know that love will always bring two people together. and so like eminem says,
you may be gone, but you're never over <3

that can mean only one thing, bathing suit season

the warm weather motivates me more and more to look better.

on my to-do list:
-Join CrossFit ! YAY
-Continue with my Paleo summer
-Apply to ACCC and Stockton

i'm excited about crossfit. i e-mailed them about my info session. and i think i'll be joining with my first paycheck :) i just have to figure out my car situation. (ugh) but everyones pretty schweet about letting me borrow their cars! win. and then i'll be able to workout every morning, go to work, go to school. everything will be at my fingertips.

the world is mine

yes, ACCC. a community college. i have decided that i want to get a degree in hospitality management. i condsider myself to be pretty hospitable. and i think i really figured out what i want to do. although i will be hearing from monmouth within the next few days, i have decided that i may not want to go there. i want to go to ACCC. i will earn my associates degree, and then go into the ACCC-Rutgers branch and earn my bachelor's degree. All while working at Verizon Wireless, who will reimburse my tuition. not to shabby huh? i think this sound fabulous. and i know i will be successful. i've always been successful. so, it is my ultimate goal to manage a hotel within the next 10-15 years, and then eventually maybe own my own. i like this idea. i love the nightlife, i love traveling, i love dressing up. and what better place to learn the skills, then right here at home, in Atlantic city.


GO LIV. all yaa do is win

things only get bad if you let them. no stress.
i've learned that if i'm stress, just find somewhere to chill
call the person that makes you smile
sing
scream
laugh
cry
whatever gets you, back to you.

i'm feeling not motivated
but then again i am
because i look at myself in the mirror and find myself disgusting, and movtivate myself

i decided i need to start going hardddd with my working out. hard hard hard.

i have a job. i can get into routine

i know how im supposed to eat
im just lazy. but no more of that.

i want to be in shape.
be comfortable in a bathing suit, because the beach is my favorite place.
i want to be comfortable naked.
even comfortable naked in front of someone else

i want to be happy with my body once and for all.
NO MORE LAZY. when i have doubts, i will find someone to make me undoubtful.
i ask a lot of questions.
and i can always find the answer.
so
summer '10, here we come. it's gunna be real. it's all about me

isolated sort of. i have no one to talk to at this exact moment. i don't know if anyone will even understand.
i feel like i'm 90 years old and just got hit by a truck. i can't eat, i can't drink, i'm devistated. i know it's something that will shortly be fixed, I HOPE, but i currently can not bear it. i am not enrolled for school in the fall. i can not picture myself not being in school, and i can really not handle it. my grades are as follows, English A-, Music Theory A, Music theory lab B-, Physics W, and Western Civ INC.

what..
my whole life just fell apart, AGAIN. yesterday when i saw the W and today when i saw the INC. i worked my ass off all semester. especially in physics.. and i had to withdraw. at least my teacher let me withdraw, but i should not have had to. because i've never worked that hard to understand something in my life. but i got the shitty end of the stick, and had to withdraw, whatever, not stressin it, i'll take physics again. but an inc in western civ, but why. because i was freaking out all day. i had to resubmit an essay. and i did so three days ago and had not heard back from my teacher. my friend in the class heard back instantly about her resubmitted essay. so i did the nervous thing and resent mine. my teacher said i already graded your essay, if this is a third revision, i will give you an inc, please advise. i immediately responded, but she clearly didn't read it and i now have an inc. i can not deal with still having to wait for that grade. she needs to read that email. like idk what to do.. what if she keeps it as an inc i cant have two bad things on my transcript im trying to get into a dif school. i need to know. i need to figure out where i'm going to school, and i need to do it now. my family will be seriously disappointed if i go to community college and i can't stand being a disappointment yet again. like clearly i know my life sucks, and i don't need anyone to point it out anymore. like my friend that is retarded got a b in physics, and i taught her everything and we handed in all of the same work. but my teacher had no record of me handing in labs.. wtf

any my home life sucks. like i love being at my aunts house, but my aunt knows that mom wants me home and asks me repeatedly what i want to do. like i have no where to live with my mom. my mom treats me like a dog. i have no bed to sleep in because she kept my bed for herself and got rid of the rest of my furniture. i don't have a car, and thats another thing i don't need pointed out to me. like thats the worst thing in the world. and i can't change it because i currently do not have a job. sucks also, so stop pointing it out. like i don't even have money to buy deoderant, even though i don't need it, i just want a fresh one.

and i feel sick to my stomach on top of all this, even though its from all of this. i just need to lay in a ball and cry. too bad i have no car and i am far away from all of my friends. even though everyone just tells me to look on the brightside. doesn't anyone see that sometimes that is difficult. because it is. and i jsut need the person here thats going to just sit with me when i cry, too bad i'm alone for now.

i'm a sophomore. woah
well one can only hope, i'm still patiently awaiting my grades.
with every ending, or shall i say new beginning, comes the good and the bad.

good- it's summer. i'm on to a new start. it's MY summer. its about me and my goals. i'm going to go to a different school and be what i want to be. and i can;t wait for monday morning. i can get into my routine. tuesday and wednesday i can job hunt. i can't wait to find myself, well... you know, adjust to my new surroundings... again.

bad- the only thing i can think of is leaving people i've grown to love.my best friend alex, that i was with all of the time, and is just like any of my best friends from home and knows everything about me, yeah she lives in ct... and actually i left the love of my life back in connecticut and who knows if i'll ever see him again. wait let's not be foolish, i definitely will. you know when you get a feeling and you know somethings meant to be. well thats the feeling i get, and although nothing has happened yet, i know it could have, should have, would have, if we both weren't chicken. but whatever is meant to be will always find its way. but i do feel empty without seeing him all the time... but honestly, for me, it's so hard to find people that care about me back, that i ahte leaving them.. but i've returned home to some of the greats
eeeeee
i came to a conclusion, i long for love. and it is because i don't get it from home like i wish to. my mother rarely shows that she cares, and its usually only after she makes me feel like shit. for instance today when i got really upset about not having anywhere to put my things in this house she wants me to call home.. she got rid of all of my furnture, kept my bed for herself, and expects me to go up and down the attic stairs everytime i need something. then gets upset that i'm not living here... i just can't deal with that. i just feel like neglected. idk its unexplainable and i feel like no one understands. and i've been upset all day, needed a shoulder to cry on, and had no one to run to at that moment. and i can't tell everyone about that. like i hung out with one of my friends and she turns into oh her life is the same way, and my other firned is would tell her mom who would give me some sort of speech, and everyone else says fuck her. its not that easy, and it sucks.

but tomorrow im outtaaa heree. and off to my aunts til next weekend.. i'm just visiting to let my friends dogs out because the fam will be in rhode island that day. eassy squeezy, and getting paid. i'm in. but other than that. i'm out, and the whole world is welcome to come visit.

live it up while you can
<3

i had an exciting weekend
but now its back to real life

i've been thinking about my goals all day
short term and long term

for today:
re-write one of my essays, and begin my western civ paper.
study music theory
just relax, get my head set

for this week:
make sure i have all of my work done by monday night,
that way the rest of the week is smooth sailing. studying for finals all day thursday :/ ick.
pass my physics final friday

for next week:
successfully move out of my room. organize all of my things. get rid of old clothes. i don't need them
enjoy my last week with my friends here at unh :(
pass all of my finals

GET INTO MONMOUTH

long term goals:
have a paleo, healthy, gorgeous summer.
i reached some of my goals since january, but goals are never ending.
i want to go for a bike ride every morning, and go to the gym almost everyday
i want to work. make money, buy my own car
i want to play my flute everyday and get back into my music<--most important to me
i want to have a nice toned body, and abs, by 2011. <-- i think thats doable


im having a problem though. idk what i want to do with my life. i really want to be a teacher and spread my knoledge.. but is that really for me? i don't want to like direct a marching band... but i want to work in a high school...
and then after going to the spring concert the other day, i rememberd how much i really want to work with a record label and entertainment and how i love that stuff and i just don't know what i wanna do. i wannna learn real music no matter what so i know im out of this school anyway.. but still. its just stressful. idk what to do. and there is no way im settling and just working as a teacher because thats what i have my degree in. i will figure out what i want.
and i've always wanted to work in hospitality, but i guess all of these professions deal with pleasing people in some way. and htat's just what i want to do. entertain. i just stress myself out huh

ehh

<3

i'm just having a not so great day. i feel like the weather. gloomy, mellow, cold, dark. today all i am is stressed. worried about everything. school, money, friends, family, myself, all i want to do is stay and bed. actually, that's where i've been most of the day. isn't it something how as soon as you're finally ready to settle down and relax, even if it's just for a half hour nap, your mind races. everything that can cross your mind does, and, well for me at least, i go crazy. worst case scenarios race through my mind, possible conversations, different roads to take in life, where is my life going, i should have said this in that conversation and maybe i would be satisfied with what could've happened. but you can't go back ever. it's impossible. yes impossible, i know they say that nothing is impossible, but turning back time is never going to happen. if it was possible, i'd be five years old again. without a care in the world.i'd change everything that happened in my life. practiced harder, ate healthier, had better relationships with my family. i'd save all of my money, and avoid all interferences with my happiness. and i would stay there forever but seriously, only in my dreams.

it seems to me that everything that i desire and hope for only happens in my dreams. i've heard it said that dreams are just your subconscious thoughts revealing themselves. who knows? the things i want in my dreams are the norms. mainly, success in my career, and love. what else could a person need?

one thing i will always stand by is my favorite phrase "nil desperandum" or never despair. people these days disgust me. really, sometimes i look at people and they make me sick. i could never become desperate. i don't need anything or anyone that bad. yes i need money, yes i like to have friends, and yes i always would like some one to lie next to in bed at night. but i can handle myself, i can be independent. i would never write on facebook "wanting someone to cuddle with" "where did all the nice boys go?" "anybody have alcohol, i'm fiendin" disgusting. you want something, work for it. there is nothing more satisfying then buying things for yourself with your hard earned money. you want a signifigant other. build a relationship. there is no better feeling than love. real love. when you have someone that you love, and they love you back, its unexplainable. its better to have loved, and lost then to never have loved at all. and thats the truth. i jsut don't understand how anyone can be so helpless and willing to do stupid things for fake feelings. even friendships. i've come to realize that most people say they're real, and they're not. most people are fake, and only care about you when they need you. but you're BFF's OMG FOREVER. no, get over youself. my real friends have proved themselves to me. and i know i'll have them forever. be the friend you wish to have and you'll never be alone. i've been the best friend i could be always, and it's worked out pretty well for me. i have everyone i need. although distance has weakened our time together, the summer is coming and i will see you all again. as for my friends at school, i wrote about that yesterday. prove to me you want me in your life, and i'll be there. forever.

so that's it for now, that's how i fee; and what i want in my life today. and everyday. always. and i know it's achievable. i'm not worried. i know i'll triumph through my own efforts

<3 nildesperandum