i'm just having a not so great day. i feel like the weather. gloomy, mellow, cold, dark. today all i am is stressed. worried about everything. school, money, friends, family, myself, all i want to do is stay and bed. actually, that's where i've been most of the day. isn't it something how as soon as you're finally ready to settle down and relax, even if it's just for a half hour nap, your mind races. everything that can cross your mind does, and, well for me at least, i go crazy. worst case scenarios race through my mind, possible conversations, different roads to take in life, where is my life going, i should have said this in that conversation and maybe i would be satisfied with what could've happened. but you can't go back ever. it's impossible. yes impossible, i know they say that nothing is impossible, but turning back time is never going to happen. if it was possible, i'd be five years old again. without a care in the world.i'd change everything that happened in my life. practiced harder, ate healthier, had better relationships with my family. i'd save all of my money, and avoid all interferences with my happiness. and i would stay there forever but seriously, only in my dreams.
it seems to me that everything that i desire and hope for only happens in my dreams. i've heard it said that dreams are just your subconscious thoughts revealing themselves. who knows? the things i want in my dreams are the norms. mainly, success in my career, and love. what else could a person need?
one thing i will always stand by is my favorite phrase "nil desperandum" or never despair. people these days disgust me. really, sometimes i look at people and they make me sick. i could never become desperate. i don't need anything or anyone that bad. yes i need money, yes i like to have friends, and yes i always would like some one to lie next to in bed at night. but i can handle myself, i can be independent. i would never write on facebook "wanting someone to cuddle with" "where did all the nice boys go?" "anybody have alcohol, i'm fiendin" disgusting. you want something, work for it. there is nothing more satisfying then buying things for yourself with your hard earned money. you want a signifigant other. build a relationship. there is no better feeling than love. real love. when you have someone that you love, and they love you back, its unexplainable. its better to have loved, and lost then to never have loved at all. and thats the truth. i jsut don't understand how anyone can be so helpless and willing to do stupid things for fake feelings. even friendships. i've come to realize that most people say they're real, and they're not. most people are fake, and only care about you when they need you. but you're BFF's OMG FOREVER. no, get over youself. my real friends have proved themselves to me. and i know i'll have them forever. be the friend you wish to have and you'll never be alone. i've been the best friend i could be always, and it's worked out pretty well for me. i have everyone i need. although distance has weakened our time together, the summer is coming and i will see you all again. as for my friends at school, i wrote about that yesterday. prove to me you want me in your life, and i'll be there. forever.
so that's it for now, that's how i fee; and what i want in my life today. and everyday. always. and i know it's achievable. i'm not worried. i know i'll triumph through my own efforts
<3 nildesperandum
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