Nil Desperandum

i'm just having a not so great day. i feel like the weather. gloomy, mellow, cold, dark. today all i am is stressed. worried about everything. school, money, friends, family, myself, all i want to do is stay and bed. actually, that's where i've been most of the day. isn't it something how as soon as you're finally ready to settle down and relax, even if it's just for a half hour nap, your mind races. everything that can cross your mind does, and, well for me at least, i go crazy. worst case scenarios race through my mind, possible conversations, different roads to take in life, where is my life going, i should have said this in that conversation and maybe i would be satisfied with what could've happened. but you can't go back ever. it's impossible. yes impossible, i know they say that nothing is impossible, but turning back time is never going to happen. if it was possible, i'd be five years old again. without a care in the world.i'd change everything that happened in my life. practiced harder, ate healthier, had better relationships with my family. i'd save all of my money, and avoid all interferences with my happiness. and i would stay there forever but seriously, only in my dreams.

it seems to me that everything that i desire and hope for only happens in my dreams. i've heard it said that dreams are just your subconscious thoughts revealing themselves. who knows? the things i want in my dreams are the norms. mainly, success in my career, and love. what else could a person need?

one thing i will always stand by is my favorite phrase "nil desperandum" or never despair. people these days disgust me. really, sometimes i look at people and they make me sick. i could never become desperate. i don't need anything or anyone that bad. yes i need money, yes i like to have friends, and yes i always would like some one to lie next to in bed at night. but i can handle myself, i can be independent. i would never write on facebook "wanting someone to cuddle with" "where did all the nice boys go?" "anybody have alcohol, i'm fiendin" disgusting. you want something, work for it. there is nothing more satisfying then buying things for yourself with your hard earned money. you want a signifigant other. build a relationship. there is no better feeling than love. real love. when you have someone that you love, and they love you back, its unexplainable. its better to have loved, and lost then to never have loved at all. and thats the truth. i jsut don't understand how anyone can be so helpless and willing to do stupid things for fake feelings. even friendships. i've come to realize that most people say they're real, and they're not. most people are fake, and only care about you when they need you. but you're BFF's OMG FOREVER. no, get over youself. my real friends have proved themselves to me. and i know i'll have them forever. be the friend you wish to have and you'll never be alone. i've been the best friend i could be always, and it's worked out pretty well for me. i have everyone i need. although distance has weakened our time together, the summer is coming and i will see you all again. as for my friends at school, i wrote about that yesterday. prove to me you want me in your life, and i'll be there. forever.

so that's it for now, that's how i fee; and what i want in my life today. and everyday. always. and i know it's achievable. i'm not worried. i know i'll triumph through my own efforts

<3 nildesperandum

things are looking up, finally. there are only 18 days of school left, and my emotions are everywhere. just like leaving for college for the first time last summer, i will yet again be leaving my "home." although i always knew this home was temporary, it will forever remain a place where i created so many memories, and lived life. the hardest thing in life is leaving people you love. i've done it before, and unfortunately, will be doing it again. yes, my friends at the university of new haven will always be in my heart. distance should never change a friendship. with some of my friends i know that will hold true, others i'm not so sure. part of me will always be with you guys, and i hope you'll always think of me. i don't want anyone to be upset that i won't be coming back, yes i know we'll cry, but crying comes from love. they have to be happy tears because i'm doing whats right for me, and going to have a great life, as will all of you. i hate when everyone says they miss me. too many times a day i have to hear, and it's been going on for the last few years. since the first time i had to live with my aunt for the summer, all i heard was "i miss you come visit." yes, i know everyone misses me, or will miss me, but you're just missing me, i have to deal with missing ALL of you. my life, the routine, the normalcy of my everyday being, will be nonexsistent yet again, and i'll have to start over. i've made some of the best friends i've ever had here. i have two friends specifically that i can tell absolutely everything to and trust them with all of my heart. i have many of those friends at home that i am still close with, if not closer with, but i wish i could be with all of you all of the time. i know that i can keep a friendship through distance, and i hope that my real friends from college will prove to me that they can do the same. i can't wait to visit everyone over the summer ! but, i'm also looking forward to visiting next semester! ~


moving on...

my new start. i can't wait, although i hate leaving behind what i've come to know and love, i'm always excited to begin what life has in store. let's see, summer at the shore. it's what i live for. i've done it all my life! can't wait to have my own room, my own space, my own stuff. it's just what i need. i'm keeping my fingers crossed! i've got a job interview, and it's exactly what i'm looking for. front desk receptionist at a hotel, perrrffeeect. i love life on the go, i love atlantic city, and i love organization, what kind of job could be better for a college student on the run? i can't believe, i don't live with my mom anymore. great feeling, but so weird. i love living with my aunt though. as long as i do what i'm supposed to, nothing can go wrong. i love it. i'm going to have a daily routine, and whenever i can getaways to visit my friends all over the east coast. sweet.

one thing i'm very excited for...
beiing able to cook for myself again. be healthy.and get to the gym everyday. early morning bike rides on the beach every morning at 6am--when its just starting to warm up, and you're in the wonderful fog. laying on the beach all day in the hot sun and not having a care in the world. working. i can't wait to be at a new school on the right track for what i love and have always wanted to do. i just can't wait to do be back to everything that makes me, me. life's looking up.